Funny Poems By George Stanworth

Aloe Vera Duckworth Lewis

Hamilton Academicals


I think that the title is one of my best,

but the poem itself is a zero or less!


Speed Dating


We met.

You wept.

I crept out.

The Worst Poet Ever


There once was a tutor called Lee

who told us there only were three

lines in a limerick.

Rogue Trader


He painted my walls with a bog brush,

and polished my car with some mutton.

At invoice time I got him back and

paid him with a button...

and forced him to listen to my poetry!

There Once Was A Poet...


There once was a poet self-centred

who lost all the contests he entered.

His poems were fine

until the last line

when George referred to George in the 3rd person as George invariably does.

Miles and miles from Services,

waiting for a tow.

There's never any toilets when you really need to go!

Listening to wedding vows,

or going for a hike.

At times you need the toilet when the moment isn't right.

The parachute won't open.

You're screaming 'No, no, no!'

(There's never any toilets when you really need to go!)

Pitching to the Dragon's,

or in a twitter fight,

(and beating Katie Hopkins), now the timing isn't right!

You meet the local gangster

who wants the cash you owe.

(There's never any toilets when you really need to go!)

You need a urine sample

at the Doctor's, but just know,

there will be a street of toilets when you never want to go!

There's Never Any Toilets When You Really Need To Go

Dirty Word


"I love you more than breakfast"

(I said on our first date)

You thought that I said "Brexit",

and punched me in the face!

It wasn't like you had a view.

You didn't really care.

But every time you heard the word,

it made your nostrils flare.

The next week we heard Davis speak,

and he said "Brexit" twice.

You screamed and then karate chopped

your deluxe custard slice.

At other times you were quite shy,

friendly, mild and kind.

Our relationship grew stronger

as our hopes and dreams aligned.

We soon moved in together,

but couldn't hear the news;

and never bought a paper

in fear of Johnson's views.

The neighbours were confused at first,

as when they said the word,

you'd want to drop-kick something,

like an ornamental bird.

You rugby tackled Zimmer Frames,

and cart-wheeled into gin.

It didn't matter if you heard

Vince Cable or Corbyn.

Then, somehow, when you heard the word.

You didn't get upset.

You didn't want to kick a hedge,

or fight a football net.

The word no longer caused you,

to get annoyed and terse;

but then you heard Trump make a speech,

and it made you ten times worse!

I'm Not Vain, But I Think This Rhyme's A Little About Me

Now Government’s need revenue,

that really is a fact;

to pay for schools, and hospitals,

(or moats, and things like that.)


But how they raise that revenue

is really of concern,

now that I’ve turned 42

and my body’s on the turn.


I hope they don't tax all big noses,

haemorrhoids or halitosis.

Tax the handsome, tax the vain!

Tax Piers Morgan more again!


I hope they don't tax all verrucas,

spots, and those that have large hooters.

Don’t tax warts, arthritis, sores.

Tax those with no ailments more!


Please don’t ever tax big noses,

flatulence and halitosis.

Tax the handsome, tax the vain.

Tax John Terry more again!


Tax the healthy, tax the well.

Tax all those that never smell.

Tax the one’s in perfect health.

Tax all those who aren’t myself.


Tax the swimmers, tax the sun,

tax all those that like to run!

Tax all those with model poses,

but NEVER those with larger noses!


We Nearly Went To Venice

  We nearly went to Venice. (You had to go to work.)

We nearly went to Paris. (You said your head was sore.)

We nearly went to Brussels. (You said your finger hurt.)

We nearly went to Venice. (You had to go to work.)

We nearly went to Chile. (You wouldn’t leave your ‘Merc’.)

We nearly went to Paris. (You said your head was sore.)

We nearly went to Venice (You had to go to work.)

We nearly went to Counselling. (I left the day before!)

I'm Not Gordon Ramsay


A custard cream

was not your dream

meal for a first date.

You called me mean,

but if I'd been,

I'd have baked

an 'After Eight!'

64 short funny love poems.
Will You Still Love Me In Top Shop?
We Nearly Went To Venice
Don't Tell Your Date She Looks Like Noddy